a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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