life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
