I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
