It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
