she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
