I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
and you fell through a lawn chair
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
