If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
