you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
