I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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