it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
