I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
