My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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