Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
