Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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