They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
