I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
