Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
