Rock
Scissors
Fuck
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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