If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
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