she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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