are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Sorry about my life...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
