R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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