either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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