Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
