Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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