i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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