shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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