I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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