Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
