My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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