apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
