just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
