man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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