I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
