I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
