you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
