I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
