I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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