Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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