my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
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