How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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