My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
