I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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