One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
