Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
