the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
