Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
