my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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