I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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