my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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