Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
