I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
